Two Letters

It’s hard to believe clarity can find its way into a mind dulled and blurred by alcohol and stress and all things horrendous. It can. Which is the unfortunate thing. Because this kind of clarity is never good – in fact, it is typically incredibly painful. The wound my clarity caused me still drips and burns – I can’t heal it, and I doubt it will be easy for time to heal either.

You see. I fucked up. I told myself an outright lie. I told myself “This is why I’m doing this.” …but that wasn’t the truth. I knew it to start out with, I told myself the real reason to start out with…but when I didn’t get the response I expected, I swore that the lie was true – and in the end, I convinced myself.

I didn’t go to Japan for my job. I wanted to change majors. I didn’t go to Japan for the experience. It was much like home, except I couldn’t understand anything said. I didn’t go to Japan to increase my fluency in Japanese. I had no interest in being fluent when I applied.

I applied to the program because I wanted to be told “No.” Not by the program – but by the one I loved. I wanted selfishness. I wanted a claim. …I never got it. When it didn’t come, and I was accepted, I swore no one would ever know. I convinced myself – only to have the truth slap me in the face in a weak moment, because I failed even in the secondary reasons. Because I failed to complete the program.

So, as the weakness lead to over indulgence, it’s no wonder that in the midst of a drunken haze, the truth outed. At the moment, I can’t think. I keep looking to the “what if” and it hurts.

I can’t change the past. And the present is already happening. The future, unfortunately, has settled itself out quite nicely for the time being.

But at the least…I can be honest. To myself, and to all of you.

I applied to the program hoping to stir some sense of possessiveness. I failed. I carried out the trip hoping to succeed and complete the year with little suffering. I failed. I am now picking up the pieces, and I have to hope I can make something worthwhile out of them. Still, I doubt it will happen.

I feel alone. I am haunted by sorrow.

But it is done.

I have lost.

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