It’s been a while, I suppose. But then, I see no purpose in writing when I don’t feel the need to do so. It’s an addiction, when I need it I do it, otherwise I disregard it. Times have changed for me, addiction lost, though a newer has started to gain hold, I fight it harder than I would otherwise. Still fairly insane, hearing voices and seeing people that do not exist, but I hold this as insane only in the eyes of others. For me, this is normal, acceptable. I would die without them, for those of you who fail to comprehend how much I rely on them.
To pull out of the rambling, there are some things that have begun to cut into me, and I only wish I could fully articulate this in a sense of normalcy but this is not to be. You must first understand that if I consider something truly shameful, I tell no others about it when I truly desire to do it. I consider very few things at this level. Furthermore, if I consider something a danger to me, you never find out until it’s done. I had the thought, the desire, but rationality has taken over and my love for those who love me was enough to make me rethink the decision.
But when you, in your self-righteous casting of stones, begin to belittle me for even considering it, when you rant and rave and insult. You take yourself of my list of reasons why I shouldn’t do a thing. Your reaction makes me reconsider again, and maybe want it a little more. It’s like smoking – if you interrupted my smoke to scold or nag, I would light another as soon as I finished the first. Your rants made me want it more. I don’t want your acceptance of it, but I want you to trust that I am not a complete idiot, otherwise I will badger you and infuriate you to make sure you understand how you made me feel.
I know the cost. I don’t need the substance. But if you desire to discourage me, appeal to me with questions and calm. If you become angry or belligerent, my only desire is to lash out at you – no matter how much I love you. And what better way to do it than to destroy myself with the very reason for your so insulting reaction?
My consideration, my “I’m thinking about…” translates almost without fail to “Eh, it’s cool, but I’m not going to bother.” and I fail to understand how so many have yet to recognize this. Unless I hate myself, I will fight this kind of madness to the very end. If you want to see how close I am to doing something this kind of stupid, check my arms. My flesh. If it is unmarred, there’s no chance of anything else being done to my body.
Personally, I’m proud of myself. I can have the desire and never give in. I can fight it. In less dangerous cases, I may choose to give in, but only in a very, very few. And even those I’ve learned to control. So tell me this – can you say the same? Can you want something, want to know, to understand, and turn your back and walk away? Can you say you wanted something dangerous, really wanted it and considered just giving in and letting yourself have it, but pulled back? Have you been around the source of a former addiction, and wanted it so badly your body -ached- for it…and still refuse?
I’ve managed it. Because what you fail to accept is something so simple.
I like myself. I respect myself. I know better.
I just wish you could do the same.
